Journal

you eat what you are

sept. 11th, 2020

once i met a man online who was schizophrenic
other people avoided him as he loudly proclaimed that he was the descendant of long-forgotten royalty
i introduced myself, "i am schizophrenic too"
he asked me "have you ever met anyone with a similar face as you?"
"no" i said
"me neither"

it is said that couples who are together longer periods of time will have a similar face to one another
whether it is because we are drawn to familiarity and what is comfortable in the first place
or because when you grow old with someone, your features start to change by using the same muscles frequently

if its true, i would like to resemble her

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the archivist

sept. 20th, 2019

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fleetest of all the foxes

jun. 30th, 2019

i was all at once thrown from orbit and lost my trajectory, but in its divine nature the magnetic forces of the universe return me to my ordinary revolutions

at the end of every day, no matter what gets accomplished, i am still just an unrealistic girl rolling around in bed; waiting for my mind to come to a screeching halt and never quite achieving the satisfaction of that release. and then- before i know it- i am dead. nobody ever really knew me. a perfect parity between imagination and memory and a perfect parody of a human life. a certain purity to that paradox. ah well.

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re: what are your feelings/emotions right now?

apr. 22nd, 2019

feeling a little bit of despair, a little bit of exhuberance. if theres one thing id want anyone to know about my long-standing experience with the internet, its that i dont understand our proclivities in- despite being surrounded by capitalism and exploitation- a mostly free internet. we have a great opportunity to walk away from oppressive, ostracizing, hierarchal structures and systems and create our own new ones; and i can no longer wrap my head around the fact that we decide not to.

i really do daydream about the idea of everyone working together in a far-off idealistic utopian society, not for profit or recognition but for enjoyment, learning experience, and the betterment of the lives around us. i would love to someday see a web circle where the system truly supports the userbase as a whole rather than forcing the userbase into submission. chatlands certainly was never that, and we all knew it but we went along with it. some of us became adminstrators or moderators in hopes of using that system to protect the users, but does it really work? i had to go against all of my instincts in some cases to uphold the rules in spite of the fact that it hurt my fellow users. and i think thats an ethical crime against humanity and goes against all sensibility.

i of course had to share these thoughts with the community i grew up on as i grow out of these kinds of places. social media and other tight-knit echo chambers can be so intoxicating. business and industry seek to destroy individuality and ive watched it eat the most spiritual and pure friendships. so i will leave this little tidbit to get swallowed in an active thread, and eventually someone who is curious enough may find it in my post history. i wish everyone the best and have no hard feelings. i look forward to seeing the fruit of societies developments, in here and out there.

semper fidelis.

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animism into the blooming field of animation

apr. 10th, 2019

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perpetual spectator effect

mar. 22nd, 2019

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nonreciprocal recipient

mar. 21nd, 2019

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they're not ready

dec. 20th, 2018

i had something i really wanted to talk about today, but i got so giddy and wrapped up in the feeling of just imagining telling it to someone that i forgot what it was in the first place.

isolation and reflection are tools that shouldnt be overlooked, communication however makes it stronger. i talk to many figures in my head, some of whom are recognizable and some of whom are not. i develop crushes quickly on most of the people i meet. sometimes i feel hatred and disgust for irrational things, my brain combats this by creating an image of that person doing something sweet. i fall in love with that idea. the person, unaware and wholly neutral in reality, has no idea. upon remembering this i feel shame for my idealization. which is a good thing, i should. not only because i risk setting myself up for disappointment but because more than anything else it imposes a standard on a person which is unfair to them.

ideas amount to something within my imagination, but its stuck there and so imperfect. i love extending ideas to people in passing, as evidenced by the fact that i will unload my trauma and talk about it with a perfect stranger- willing to pick it apart piece by piece if for nothing more than the sheer novelty of life. oh how i love this. not just because its gratifying to verify my experience, but because the joy that comes with helping someone else out and giving them the knowledge i already know i wield is unmatched. effecting peoples perceptions, hopefully for the better, bit by bit until it comes full circle and you begin to see it in those around you. that is the idealists dream.

im aware how overwhelming it can be to others. im an isolated quiet type, and when i get into talking about things i am passionate about i suffer tremors- not out of anxiety for how its perceived, just out of the sheer excitement of being able to talk about it with someone else. i love to talk on end for hours with perfect strangers online, they rarely have any idea how much i am trembling in reality unless i make them aware of it. im met with so much curiousity and i am never bored, i say this sincerely. i have moments of dullness and apathy, but never boredom- my mind is too active for it. maybe you can imagine the reactions, maybe you would react the same way. i sat in complete silence with a once friend and she asked 'dont you ever get tired of the quiet?'- in fact i had hardly noticed it was quiet.

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re: how do you feel when you interact with a stranger?

may 31st, 2018

i almost always get hung up on the lost soulmate thing, i dont even have to be interacting with them to think it. i tend to experience "im anxious (stress and excitement go hand in hand for me)," "no get away from me (cause now i feel like you know too much)," and "maybe we can be friends (hopefully more)" all at the same time; and sometimes before anyone even notices me ahaha. im really glad im not alone in this, it seems you and [another commenter] have the same kind of thing.

i stuffed myself away for 6 months or so recently and didnt interact with anyone, and now that im trying to open back up its very taxing.. i often wonder if im this way because of isolation being a common thread for me. like maybe its a result of having my thoughts being canned and not knowing how to interact with others. but also it doesnt matter because i always like to imagine what could be... its an aspect of me that keeps me open to new people i guess.

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[these prompts give] me an opportunity to focus my thoughts on something else for awhile which is really useful. overall, i think i understand. although i dont think immediate gratification is what im looking for cause i tend to be wary of those kinds of impulses. im also more of an open book than i am a mystery so i cant relate there. i crave interaction, but a part of me fearfully rejects it. growing up i was split between households, so when it comes for relationships im always looking for secure & long-term ones; the constant separating and divisions are really starting to take their toll on me.

i went through a period where i chose to cut myself off from all groups/communities.. that lasted about five months i want to say. i told people to reach out to me through individual IM chats to keep in touch, it cut down pressure a lot for me. then when i returned to group chats i tried to be honest with myself and address problems. it didnt go well, i lost more people. i isolated myself for another good 2 months i think before my gf was finally like "weve got to introduce you to new people!!!!".. now im in a discord server with people i talk to daily.

i can feel the difference in the way i approach conversations and its depressing to say the least. i used to really hone in on peoples feelings and do my best to pay attention to them and provide support. lately ive been sitting these opportunities out more when i become aware of them because im scared to come across imposing/dominating- something ive been told about myself of which greatly upsets me when im only trying to work things out with other people. i think even when im holding back i still come across this way though, its not something i can easily suppress.

the only reason im interacting with new people at all right now is because i absolutely cant be alone with my thoughts for extended periods of time. i am desperate for some kind of group to anchor myself in again, but im always on the fence about whether i should drop everything and disappear. ive rather endearingly taken to looking at this through the perspective of wild vs. domestic- one half wants to communicate, consolidate, and the other wants to fend-off and protect. i know amazing people but i intensely fear losing my standing with them.

the bright side of not being attached to people is that now i can raise my standards. im more free to to cut people off cleanly now and i have demonstrated it. i feels bad though, like a moral degradation. i used to always try addressing things head on but its become too hard on me.

heres something i said recently on the subject:

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re: if your visual art was a type of dance, what would it be?

may 21st, 2018

definitely ballet because it appears so light, pointed, and flowy, and it might seem effortless, but actually takes so many hours of obsession to get it to appear precisely how i want it to haha

belly-dancing was a close second because its one that i think of as being physically intimate with yourself and thats how it feels when im drawing my art, also moar curves and swooshy movements

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re: what types of animal(s) do you identify with and why?

apr. 29th, 2019

meow meow meowwww~ i identify with a lot of animals just based on the principle that all animals have some relatable traits and lessons. but especially for me the domestic cat, red panda, and stoat have been animals i consider 'kin' of sorts for awhile now. i also think of yangtze river dolphins as my kind of spirit guide or ideal self. i love genets, fennec foxes, and leopards a lot too. i created characters off of all of these to help me place my feelings. this is a lot of answers but whee.

"i hate to ask this question but its really curious for me... you said that the yangzte river dolphin is your "ideal self": you are probably already aware that back in 2006 it was declared extinct only to reappear in 2016 -- how does this feel to you? is this symbolic for anything in particular?"

i was thinking about this question all night, i started to respond but got distracted and when i was lying down for bed i couldnt stop. i have a lot of thoughts about dolphins in particular, more than other animals because i consider them a political and humanitarian symbol... but the yangtze river dolphins extinction case was interesting to me especially because i saw in the news about their rediscovery only right after i had been reading about them again. synchronicity is weird.

anyways, in short, i feel like their comeback is a good omen towards political states. i think dolphins are a symbol for utopia, peace, harmony, teamwork, etc. their extinction was brought on by peoples negligence due to need for progress/industrialization, not overhunting- which is also an interesting factor. in comparison to animals like thylacines and certain wolf species because unlike those animals, dolphins arent widely (and undeservingly might i add) demonized, theyre actually very beloved animals. so i think baijis re-emergence is a sign of hope, peace- trying to show humans what good theyre capable of instead of focusing on the bad. i also think its a lesson about wonderful things being viewed as 'getting in the way of progress,' or simply being lost in the tides of what we consider progress. 'survival of the fittest' doesnt have to apply here, we can use kindness to expand, we have the means for that its just about coming together.

also as a side note, i always related to dolphins because theyre bubbly, vivacious, social, and intelligent creatures, but i always felt like oceanic dolphins were considered outgoing/extroverted whereas river dolphins are a more subdued and introverted expression of those same things- so that is why i related to them in the first place. i never got the chance to enunciate this when these feelings popped up so i really appreciate your question! i kind of want to make a blog devoted to animal symbolism more now that i think about it.

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re: does the internet feel like a graveyard to you?

apr. 27th, 2018

it..kind of does, especially on social media where posts just accumulate but then people disappear without a trace. i think its interesting. ive heard of sysadmins who refuse to clear data on their sites when users actually die, to prevent losing that history. but im the kind of person who likes to wipe what i do (trying to curb this habit because i end up wishing i could dig something back up only to find ive deleted it long ago). im also the kind of person whos taken to keeping to myself, so pretty much limited to specific social circles, and the outer circles feel kind of like a wasteland to me. im interested on your thoughts and feelings on this.

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yea i think about that a lot with regards to posting memes, reblogging, and liking as a replacement for opening dialogue for conversation- i think its something that maybe always existed in human language? like with 'small talk' and that sort of thing. but i think the internet made it so more readily available that it lost any semblance of a meaning outside of "how high can we get this number," "how far can we spread this," etc., etc...

i also used to love thinking about non-verbal cues in online settings because like you said they are vastly different from how that functions in real life.. and i grew up mostly in online settings and i realized im very bad at body language in real life, but in online settings i can detect some of the slightest things, and i've had people utterly surprised at that, even though its not something i used to think twice about much.

so i dont know! its definitely super cool. i think archaeology in the future if gonna struggle with knowing where to look for the right kind of information, because the internet is just information buried under information.

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electric sleep

may. 1st, 2017

the dream was that everybody had a key of their own, the key could be used anywhere to open your own pocket dimension. if you were to imagine a lock, you could turn the key in the air and a holographic door would appear allowing you to enter. on the other side would be a world entirely of your own choosing, with no other people. i often used my key to get out of arguments and go to a small room, with a cozy loft and a large rainy window.

sometimes you could fall in between dimensions if you opened doors within them, in this case you would come across long hallways and could meet a few other people. if you opened an unlocked door in these hallways you could join someone else in their pocket dimensions. a couple times i had nice people enter mine and we would enjoy quiet company.

i love the idea that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

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venus in aquarius

mar. 16th, 2016

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if you die in december you wake up in january

2015 - 2016

< Journal clippings that were lost to time, they have been excavated and at times paraphrased so as not to reveal overly personal details. > ---

occasionally i will form a powerful connection with characters in my dreams and feel like i have known them for an eternity, only to wake up and realise they are non-existent. its a painful shock that drives me back to sleeping on the hopeful thought that maybe we will meet again. we never do. correspondingly, i have had to experience the death of many of them.

i have been struggling to come to terms with the deaths of these individuals, none of whom are real. ive gone through the grieving process over things that aren’t physically existent. how do you even begin to explain this to someone? how do you simply forget an experience like that?

telling myself this isnt real has changed anything. people are hurting one way or another, these experiences only strengthen my understanding of that, albeit being severely displaced. at times like these i feel torn between wanting to travel the world and meet all types of people, and wanting to lock the door to my room and cease existing to the world.

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you can not retrieve time that has been lost, you can only pay it forward. giving is what makes it possible to receive anything. would you relieve another soul? what if you knew it was that of an ant? i would every time. i see constellations before me and sleep with every snake behind me, i am the heir of nothingness and the prophet of everything.

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i recognize a conflicting need inside myself. i think the endless vomiting i have in dreams is a symbol for my love that keeps on giving even when i have nothing left to give of myself. it also might stem from the fear that one day im going to abandon everyone around me and live in isolation due to the inability to cope with this.

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we can’t fall apart now. we can’t allow our fears to work in their ssickness and diverge ourselves away from others. love is strength and grace is passion.

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trying to use this journal more as life gets steadily worse. its hard to come up with coherent things to say. i realized (or was told) my writing comes across as flowery, but i dont even perceive it that way because its so literal in my mind.

last night i had a dream that i could control thunderstorms. the night before that i wished for rain, and it began raining minutes later. i sat in the cold storm crying for several hours until my hands were icy cold. cathartic and stupid.

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catatonica

exact date lost, late 2013

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