links:

luna diary
windowsidecat
greymargay
animal kinships

snippets:

"my idea of what a friend should be is totally fractured
its hard to balance the feeling of being deeply in love with everyone around me and knowing they love me back and still feeling like im not supposed to be apart of them
i just want to synthesize with people
im torn between this all the time
its not that its tiring
i really dont mind working through problems with people
its that in the end it might not amount to anything
but i guess thats just how life is
i dont like it
i dont want to live my life treating things thatw ay
most of the things i do i do for other people
even if other people is an abstract concept to me based on relative information"

prompts:

what types of animal(s) do you identify with and why?

meow meow meowwww~ i identify with a lot of animals just based on the principle that all animals have some relatable traits and lessons. but especially for me the domestic cat, red panda, and stoat have been animals i consider 'kin' of sorts for awhile now. i also think of yangtze river dolphins as my kind of spirit guide or ideal self. i love genets, fennec foxes, and leopards a lot too. i created characters off of all of these to help me place my feelings. this is a lot of answers but whee.

"i hate to ask this question but its really curious for me... you said that the yangzte river dolphin is your "ideal self": you are probably already aware that back in 2006 it was declared extinct only to reappear in 2016 -- how does this feel to you? is this symbolic for anything in particular?"

i was thinking about this question all night, i started to respond but got distracted and when i was lying down for bed i couldnt stop. i have a lot of thoughts about dolphins in particular, more than other animals because i consider them a political and humanitarian symbol... but the yangtze river dolphins extinction case was interesting to me especially because i saw in the news about their rediscovery only right after i had been reading about them again. synchronicity is weird.

anyways, in short, i feel like their comeback is a good omen towards political states. i think dolphins are a symbol for utopia, peace, harmony, teamwork, etc. their extinction was brought on by peoples negligence due to need for progress/industrialization, not overhunting- which is also an interesting factor. in comparison to animals like thylacines and certain wolf species because unlike those animals, dolphins arent widely (and undeservingly might i add) demonized, theyre actually very beloved animals. so i think baijis re-emergence is a sign of hope, peace- trying to show humans what good theyre capable of instead of focusing on the bad. i also think its a lesson about wonderful things being viewed as 'getting in the way of progress,' or simply being lost in the tides of what we consider progress. 'survival of the fittest' doesnt have to apply here, we can use kindness to expand, we have the means for that its just about coming together.

also as a side note, i always related to dolphins because theyre bubbly, vivacious, social, and intelligent creatures, but i always felt like oceanic dolphins were considered outgoing/extroverted whereas river dolphins are a more subdued and introverted expression of those same things- so that is why i related to them in the first place. i never got the chance to enunciate this when these feelings popped up so i really appreciate your question! i kind of want to make a blog devoted to animal symbolism more now that i think about it.

does the internet feel like a graveyard to you?

it..kind of does, especially on social media where posts just accumulate but then people disappear without a trace. i think its interesting. ive heard of sysadmins who refuse to clear data on their sites when users actually die, to prevent losing that history. but im the kind of person who likes to wipe what i do (trying to curb this habit because i end up wishing i could dig something back up only to find ive deleted it long ago). im also the kind of person whos taken to keeping to myself, so pretty much limited to specific social circles, and the outer circles feel kind of like a wasteland to me. im interested on your thoughts and feelings on this.

"even when you're in a game and others are actively moving around, their avatars just come off very ghostly to me. social media, as you said, feels desolate and so do most outercircles. i think there is a disconnect happening where i can't always entertain the fact that there is another person behind the avatar (bots and fake identities which i think really ruin the internet experience for me). i also think that how people handle avatars in general is a new way of psychological communication because the non-verbal cues are so vastly different in nature than what we are evolutionary designed for. so many arguments happen and so many more sadistic actions cause for what feels like a hostile environment in other cases. otherwise the internet just feels as if it is not roaring in activity to me because so many things occur that feel robotic-in-nature (reblogs, retweets, memes, lack of communication in general in chatsites and games). but then again i am not readily available as far as communication goes either... so i don't even know if i would experience real-world socializing the same way as most people do either.

can you imagine all of the historic data that we have made readily available for future historians? even when we pass on and die and our information may still be readily available to future generations. like that thought is a bit spooky but also fascinating to think that internet archeology may someday be a thing.

lastly i am avid with deleting too but am trying to come clean in my ways as well. i lost a lot of journals, art and potential self-reflection material based on irrational fears. thanks again for your well thought out and intriguing response <3"

yea i think about that a lot with regards to posting memes, reblogging, and liking as a replacement for opening dialogue for conversation- i think its something that maybe always existed in human language? like with 'small talk' and that sort of thing. but i think the internet made it so more readily available that it lost any semblance of a meaning outside of "how high can we get this number," "how far can we spread this," etc., etc...

i also used to love thinking about non-verbal cues in online settings because like you said they are vastly different from how that functions in real life.. and i grew up mostly in online settings and i realized im very bad at body language in real life, but in online settings i can detect some of the slightest things, and i've had people utterly surprised at that, even though its not something i used to think twice about much.

so i dont know! its definitely super cool. i think archaeology in the future if gonna struggle with knowing where to look for the right kind of information, because the internet is just information buried under information.

if you visual art was a type of dance, what would it be?

definitely ballet because it appears so light, pointed, and flowy, and it might seem effortless, but actually takes so many hours of obsession to get it to appear precisely how i want it to haha

belly-dancing was a close second because its one that i think of as being physically intimate with yourself and thats how it feels when im drawing my art, also moar curves and swooshy movements

how do you feel when you interact with a stranger?

i know what you mean!! i almost always get hung up on the lost soulmate thing, i dont even have to be interacting with them to think it ;^; i tend to experience "im anxious (stress and excitement go hand in hand for me)," "no get away from me (cause now i feel like you know too much)," and "maybe we can be friends (hopefully more)" all at the same time; and sometimes before anyone even notices me ahaha. im really glad im not alone in this, it seems you and lyrak have the same kind of thing.

i stuffed myself away for 6 months or so recently and didnt interact with anyone, and now that im trying to open back up its very taxing.. i often wonder if im this way because of isolation being a common thread for me. like maybe its a result of having my thoughts being canned and not knowing how to interact with others. but also it doesnt matter because i always like to imagine what could be... its an aspect of me that keeps me open to new people i guess.

i can understand all of those feelings and most are pretty relatable. my 'no get away from me' is more of a result of not wanting the interaction though -- but at the same time craving that interaction? it reminds me of the pink floyd song "hey you". i rarely, if ever, experience the desire for friendship with others. i want interactions, especially offline, to be mysterious and fleeting. regardless, i am always trying to come up with some sort of spiritual backing as to why interactions occur even if they are secular and worldly.

i've been trying to open up lately too if its not already noticeable; i came from similar circumstances as you where i was having very limited interaction with others both offline and online, maybe even for years (i'm not quite sure anymore). i can understand to some degree what you're going through. i still get these periods of wanting to delete everything and disappear but i'm trying my best to combat that when it occurs. deriving pleasure from social activities is a whole different set of rules though and i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to experience the pleasure of social interaction. maybe i've never truly experienced social bliss, even at moments of clarity like now.

the alienation that occurs between two people interacting (two bodies attempting to cohabit a specific space at a specific time, merging two lifestyles into one for only a moment), especially at the level of strangers, is very lonesome. my brain demands reasoning, it demands sustenance; at the same time, its boring and flavorless without wanting the task of growing a relationship with someone. there is no security when transitioning from stranger, to acquaintance, to friend, so on... my brain needs immediate satisfaction. when one doesn't look at a person and potentially see them as a friend, the rush to get from point a to point b is increased; so i think by trying to determine whether or not i "know" someone from a past life or not is just the result of having absolutely no control or patience in terms of developing long lasting relationships with others. i don't know.. probably not one of my more handsome traits.

thank you for sharing with me and i apologize for just dumping this all on you. for some reason i felt comfortable and i rolled with it. i wish you the best of luck with socializing though and hope it bears fruit.

thats okay! i always enjoy and appreciate it, it gives me an opportunity to focus my thoughts on something else for awhile which is really useful.

overall, i think i understand. although i dont think immediate gratification is what im looking for cause i tend to be wary of those kinds of impulses. im also more of an open book than i am a mystery so i cant relate there. i crave interaction, but a part of me fearfully rejects it. growing up i was split between households, so when it comes for relationships im always looking for secure & long-term ones; the constant separating and divisions are really starting to take their toll on me.

i went through a period where i chose to cut myself off from all groups/communities.. that lasted about five months i want to say. i told people to reach out to me through individual IM chats to keep in touch, it cut down pressure a lot for me. then when i returned to group chats i tried to be honest with myself and address problems. it didnt go well, i lost more people. i isolated myself for another good 2 months i think before my gf was finally like "weve got to introduce you to new people!!!!".. now im in a discord server with people i talk to daily.

i can feel the difference in the way i approach conversations and its depressing to say the least. i used to really hone in on peoples feelings and do my best to pay attention to them and provide support. lately ive been sitting these opportunities out more when i become aware of them because im scared to come across imposing/dominating- something ive been told about myself of which greatly upsets me when im only trying to work things out with other people. i think even when im holding back i still come across this way though, its not something i can easily suppress.

the only reason im interacting with new people at all right now is because i absolutely cant be alone with my thoughts for extended periods of time. i am desperate for some kind of group to anchor myself in again, but im always on the fence about whether i should drop everything and disappear. ive rather endearingly taken to looking at this through the perspective of wild vs. domestic- one half wants to communicate, consolidate, and the other wants to fend-off and protect. i know amazing people but i intensely fear losing my standing with them.

the bright side of not being attached to people is that now i can raise my standards. im more free to to cut people off cleanly now and i have demonstrated it. i feels bad though, like a moral degradation. i used to always try addressing things head on but its become too hard on me.

heres something i said recently on the subject: https://eifie.neocities.org/labyrinthe/synthesize.html

im going to attempt to rebuild a coherent journal on this site so expect this page to be gone later lmfao